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Gashlycrumb: 3.2
Hey y'all, sorry for letting this fall by the wayside. I've been busy with some other stuff, and also the quality of the pictures in like half this update depresses me cuz it's the last batch before I got my new beautiful smooth edges-capable dream machine. And also because Imgur changed their layout again and now there's no nice handy direct link clicky button. But enough of that! Come take a stroll with me through the land of the Gashlycrumbs, where nothing makes sense and everyone is an idiot.
I dunno if you remember him since it's been so long since the last update but this here is Yancy Gashlycrumb, the youngest of his generation. He has chosen the worst possible moment to age up, as seen here:
Yes, as seems to be traditional in my game, his birthday falls on the exact moment that our founder Zillah shakes off the shackles of life and flees screaming into the afterlife. RIP, Zillah ;~;
The worst part is that I didn't even notice she'd died until the popups informed me, because SOMEONE WAS BUSY HAVING A BIRTHDAY AT THE MOMENT OF HIS GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH.
Yancy: That's very sad and all about Grandma, but look at my bangin' sunglasses.
GET OUT.
With Zillah gone, there's no reason to keep the salon open. No one else in the house has the slightest interest, and no one could live up to her astounding record for makeover failures anyway. RIP, makeover station!
Zillah: Okay, I'm off to give makeovers to the other ghosts! Peace out.
The mausoleum in the graveyard was previously Fritters only, but now it's legacy families only, because I'm not going to discriminate against the Gashlycrumbs for being lucky enough not to have Almond in their house.
Yusef: I've never really taken the time to study this painting before. It's so detailed and colorful and, uh, in a frame!
Elspeth: You can stay if you want, but shut up. I'm playing a game of chess against myself and I'm a very wily opponent.
Tomato: Who knows what you could do when you grow up, Xerxes? You could even bring world peace someday.
Xerxes: Peace is poop.
Tomato: Well... maybe you think so now, but you're just a baby. You don't understand how important peace is to the world! In time I'm sure you'll give peace a chance.
Xerxes: TIME IS POOP.
Yusef: Hey, I noticed you were pregnant so I made you some salmon so you don't starve or whatever
Elspeth: Your subservience pleases me, male.
Sure. Come the fuck in, asshole. Why not.
Officer Hairplugs: BREAK INTO MY HOUSE, WILL YOU
Elspeth: My crime senses are tingling. I can sense a pair of handcuffs from up to two hundred yards away through three feet of concrete.
Tomato: ...Sorry, what? You said handcuffs and tingling and I got distracted.
Elspeth: So did I.
One of you guys wanna move the baby or is that gonna fall to me again?
Spoiler: I didn't move him.
Tomato: How nice it is to have been able to live to see my grandchild grow up to child! I'm so lucky.
Nope. ;~;
I was so distraught I totally missed capping her death. I really loved the crap out of Zillah and Tomato, you guys.
Waddlespeth
We haven't seen a lot of Xerxes so here he is! His hobbies include chewing on his fingers, displacing his teeth through the bottom of his chin, and unintentional voyeurism.
Ol' boners is still around too, to its dismay.
Hanging Skeleton: Really? Boners? Of all the myriad possible skeleton-related nicknames, you chose boners? I hate you so much
Happily this shit doesn't happen on my new computer but god, I remember it so vividly.
Elspeth: Hi honey! Just scoping out the bathroom for later. I can feel such a deuce brewing in these guts of mine.
Xerxes: Hey. It's my birthday.
Yusef: Hey! I'll make you a birthday grilled cheese when I finish up here.
Xerxes: You're gonna wash your hands first, right?
I see a lot of Tomato in him.
Yusef: I can see a little tomato in him too. Grilled cheese with fresh tomato! What a great idea.
Elspeth: AW HELL I SHOULD'VE STAYED NEAR THE TOILET
Elspeth: False alarm! Just a baby.
Her name is Xena! And here's where I switched to the new computer, with smooth edges and high graphics settings for all.
Xerxes can't be trusted to see to his own needs, so of course he really wants to take care of a baby creature. If he ends up becoming a parent someday, I foresee reality TV in the family's future.
Xerxes: You're wrong about me, Overlord! I'll never stoop to being a Real Housewife! Look at me eating this muffin I baked all by myself, I am self-sufficiency incarnate. Also, can I have a puppy?
Slow down there, Buddy Valastro. Sheesh, the kid doesn't burn one muffin and suddenly he thinks he's better than everybody.
And Xerxes comes from such sophisticated stock.
Yusef: These cheddar-flavored chips are, in a word, exquisite.
Yusef: A gastronomic triumph.
Elspeth: Hey hottie.
Elspeth: Oh, I KNOW you're not making a boob frame.
Yusef: They look a tiny bit bigger. Are you pregnant again?
Not yet.
Yusef: So, yeah, I made a thorough examination and I thought about it all night and yeah, they are definitely a smidge bigger. Just a smidge.
Elspeth: Shhh. Real Housewives is on.
Xerxes: Look at me, Overlord! I'm doing my homework, cuz I'm going to college.
Xena is really cute, but I hope she grows into that nose. It's distinctive.
Yusef: With Mom gone, I can paint freely at last! I'm so happy, I feel like I'm giving off a gently swirling aura of white light!
Elspeth: Are you okay? It looks like you jizzed on yourself in zero gravity.
Xerxes: Hah! Look at you, all tiny and wearing a diaper. You're not going to college, like me! This toy is mine now.
Xena: *WAILS*
Xerxes: Someday my vast intellect will earn me so much money I can buy twenty boats like this!
Xena: I WILL SLIT YOUR OVEREDUCATED THROAT, YOU CAD
Elspeth: Seriously, are you all right? It's like you're ground zero in a jizz hurricane.
Xena: Farewell, boat... you've taught me a valuable lesson today. That this, too, shall pass.
Elspeth: Look, kid, I'm glad you're taking an interest in your education. But you need to know there's no magic formula for becoming rich and powerful. There's no, like, money wizards.
Xerxes: Who the shit said anything about wizards, ever, at any point?
Elspeth: A FOOD WIZARD WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT RIGHT NOW
Elspeth: I know! I'll talk to Yusef for awhile. That will solve my hunger problem.
It didn't. And neither did cuddling Xena, but this was cute at least.
Elspeth: This is the right way to carry hot dogs.
Xena: NO ONE IS CUDDLING ME AND MY MOM FUNDAMENTALLY MISUNDERSTANDS HOW TO HANDLE FOOOOOOOD
Elspeth: Gasp! Urine? Where did that come from?!
I'm pleased to see the pork chops aren't upside down.
Elspeth: Of course not! What do you take me for, someone who can't cook?
Elspeth: What?
Xerxes: Oh, nothing. Just waiting.
Xerxes: Aaaand there it is.
Elspeth: HOW DID YOU KNOW
Attempted burglar: Is your kid around?
Yusef: I see no problem with a wanted criminal calling my young child, but he's out on the roundabout, so nah.
Elspeth: Is that those environmental activists again? Tell them we're pro-factory in this house!
Xerxes: Puny human, you think you deserve this toy? This toy is mine. All toys are MINE!
Xena: Keep pushing, twinkletoes. Keep pushing, you'll see what happens.
Elspeth: I don't know if you noticed, honeybunch, but I'm preggers again.
Yusef: Yeah, I figured. Your boobs got bigger again.
I'm not much of a cook, but I've always been bemused by the fact that sims cook pork chops in saucepans. How would you get a nice saute in a pan like that?
I mean, you could do city chicken in that kind of pan, but the game specifically says pork chops. I dunno. At least she didn't burn them this time.
Xena: Holy hammerpants, am I about to let loose a legendary fart?
I... I don't think so? You're just having a birthday?
Xena: I did both!
Well, good for you. We all have our talents.
Xena: And I can use mine to exact revenge on my toy-stealing buttbag brother!
Xena: But first, to earn some pocket change.
That's Yusef's painting she sold. She doesn't have a creative point in her body.
Elspeth: You know, if you're looking for something to do, I know this great little time filler called Final Fantasy VII.
Xena: Sweet! Is that the one with the unicorn cats, or the one where everyone's got a monkey tail?
Neither, it's the one where... never mind, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Yusef: Don't listen to her, this is a much better use of time than video games!
Xena: *screams*
Xerxes: Look at me, feeding myself and being self-sufficient! Can I have a puppy now?
So you can take its toys away and hold them tauntingly over its head too? I think not.
Yusef: Precious father-daughter bonding time!
Xena: I just wanted to play with the Sephiroths
Xena: Dad, please put me down now, the bus is here!
Yusef: No need, I'll release you into the bus on the next swing!
Elspeth: A coochie coochie coo! A goochie goochie goo!
Yusef: Curses! Bonding with my daughter made me miss my youngest child's birth! I'll never play with Xena again.
Yusef: You look hot holding my baby.
Elspeth: Tee hee!
Uh, guys? Where is the baby? Where is the baby
Elspeth: God, she's right here! It's like you don't even trust us.
We can come back to that. For now, everyone say hi to Xochitl!
Yusef: Wanna immediately make a new one?
Elspeth: Hee. Yes.
Xochitl: It's like postpartum means nothing in the Sims.
Attempted burglar: Is Xerxes off the roundabout yet?
Yusef: Who are you again?
Zillah's true legacy lives on.
Xerxes: Yeah, Xena, I'll totally push you on the roundabout. Absolutely. You'll love it.
Xena: Come on, buttmunch, let's get this sucker moving!
Xerxes: HAH. Unbeknownst to her, I used my incredible knowledges to calculate just how fast to spin the roundabout to make her hella puking sick. My plan is flawless!
Xerxes: urp
Elspeth: FUN >8[
Xena: Before eating this delicious Campbell's soup, I think we should all take a minute to talk about how much better I am than Xerxes at everything.
Xena: When I grow up, I bet I'm going to make the most mouthwateringly delicious grilled cheese sandwich ever tasted or even dreamt of. Beat that, Xerxes!
Xerxes: What kind of soup is this? It smells like socks.
Xerxes: Keep your dreams of sandwiches and mouthwaters. I have real goals. Like being good at a sport!
I just like the Gashlykitchen a lot.
Yusef: I don't know what Ellie was yelling about earlier. This is fun.
Xerxes: How's tricks, Mom?
Elspeth: Not bad, kiddo! Just thinking about jumping your father. The usual.
Any kind of jumping will have to wait, it looks like, because really? Again? Really?
Elspeth: urf :<
Xena: I guess that means the chessboard's mine now!
Xena: A+ FOOLS LINE UP TO EAT YOUR WORDS
Xena: HEY CUTIE WANNA PLAY HOPSCOTCH WITH AN A+ STUDENT
Alien Friend: Maybe I should've just waited at school until my pod parent could bring the spaceship by to pick me up.
Xena: So what's your home world like? Is that okay to ask? Sorry, you're the first alien I've ever talked to.
Alien Friend: I was actually born on Earth. My parents immigrated here from Trflglux to audition for that show Big Brother.
Elspeth: I'M PREGNANT AGAIN 8D
Yusef: Marvelous! Another child to teach the Ways of the Cheese!
Yusef: LET'S CELEBRATE YOUR IMMINENT SIBLING, XENA
Xerxes: Just drink the juice, Xerxes, and pretend you hear nothing.
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im still wondering if pinkbraid from the other post was tish it's gonna haunt me