azaya | Gashlycrumb: 6.1

This is really only technically generation six but I'll be damned if I'm calling this 5.8 I swear to Glob.

Last time, Varney and her true love Alien Friend married at the wedding chapel in the witchiest of weddings, Vlad drank far too much beer for an eight-year-old and Whisper lurked around, doing Whisper things.

Whisper: You just puked a whole bunch, right? Best possible time for swinging you around, your stomach's already empty!

Vladimir: Excelsior!

Varney: Hello, door frame my old friend! I've come to walk through you again.

jeSUS CHRIST YOU FUCKS ARE DISGUSTING DO YOU THINK THIS IS HYGIENIC WHO RAISED YOU YOU TURDS

...oh wait. It was me.

Fancy Boatsink: Yo??

Twyla Tark: Yo??

Varney: Witchcraft

I moved their stupid Christmas tree up onto the deck cuz it was depressing me having it just plopped down in the damn snow.

Whisper: In three feet of snow is the right place to grill hamburgers.

Vladimir: Fuck YEAH. I'll be seeing you later for round two, beer keg!

You're still underage, sweets.

Vladimir: You didn't care before!

I didn't NOTICE you were gorging yourself on beer before!

Whisper: washerdish

Baby: I'm the best - around - nothing's gonna ever keep me down I'm the best - around - nothing's gonna ever keep me down

Baby: 'Snow'. More like no.

Vlad went to the strip mall to buy a cell phone and holy crap, that snow looks possessed.

Vlad: Goddamn, I need to kiss a face.

It's... good to have goals?

What, uh, what are you doing in the adoption bin, Miss Pretty?

Miss Pretty: Mistakes were made. They will be corrected.

All the snow kept making the strip mall crash, so I finally gave up and sent Vlad to buy a cell phone at the bowling alley instead.

Winter is coming

Zillah left her indelible mark on the Fritters, though I feel safe saying that these two deserved it.

Whisper: Could you guys PLEASE stop strolling around in your underwear? Please? My wrist is getting sore.

Plantish: Whisper, for fuck's sake.

Whisper: what

Stray Dog O'Leary: That is one corker of a fire there.

What? What fire?

Oh. Yes. Of course.

Because snow is totally flammable. THIS FUCKING. GAME.

OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE OF COURSE IT WAS THIS SHITTING DREAMKILLER

Hey, anyone wanna do something about the raging inferno out on the deck like ten feet from you?

Whisper:

Varney:

Alien Friend:

Fire: KRRRRRRRKGLLEKRRRRRKLKERKKRRRRLGL

Whisper:

Alien Friend: How about this time, we try the Octopus?

Varney: I love the way your mind works, blueberry muffin!

Whisper: BY ALL THE TESTES OF HELL WHAT THE SHITDICKERY IS HAPPENING OUT HERE

Whisper:

Whisper:

Whisper: I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Eventually he remembered he's a fucking witch and put the damn fire out with his mind.

Whisper: I did good!

You did. Eventually.

Why

do you have 48 boxes of strawberries

Whisper: I don't know

Varney: EAT ON IT, WHISPER

Whisper: Aieeee!

Whisper: Oh my Glob, Varney, you are comedy incarnate!

Varney: Thanks for noticing.

Varney: What good is being a witch if you still have to mop up your own water balloon spillage?

Questions I ask myself every time I pop a water balloon in my uncle's face, it's true.

Varney: Dear diary: don't trust the bears. They are coming. I will explain later, Glob willing.

A snow

Winnie pestered me into buying her a sewing machine so here it fucking is.

Whisper: Hey

Whisper: Hey

Varney: Shhh.

Varney: Sorry, I had to concentrate. What's up, little swordfish?

Whisper: I just wanted to show you my good witch face. 8D

Varney: Ahh yes, this is luxury living. This is comfort.

Baby: Look, Blue Ron, if you're not ready to talk, you're not ready to talk. But listen, bud, when you are ready— when you are ready— I'll be here. Any time. I love you, man.

Penguin: Makin' my way downtown

From this far away, the Fritter mansion looks quiet and peaceful, rather than the boiling hive of lunacy and incest that is.

How generous of you, Vlad, to poop with the door open.

Vladimir: My family are a hardy people. They can take it.

Fireflies: This seems wrong

Whisper: Wand, please.

Wand: No, I must smoke!

On his third attempt at Creatum Nutrimens his wand finally stopped smoking and produced a food, and it was fucking pancakes.

Whisper: Magnifique.

Vladimir: Ooh, yeah, I'd like to shove my mouth into that bodily crevice.

Baby: I can't even tell if I'm still pooping. I shouldn't have to put up with this.

Penguin: Ssssssssuuuuuuuuuupppp

Butterflies: Wait

Vladimir: Ah yes, soon this tub shall be sparkling clean and remain that way indefinitely.

Vladimir: Yes, hi, I'm a romance sim?

Matchmaker: ON MY WAY.

Vladimir: I who am desperate to get laid salute you.

Matchmaker: Cool

Vladimir: Hooray, money can buy love!

Vladimir: Oh, um. An NPC? That didn't go so well for my sister last time.

I'm kinda more concerned that she's an adult and you are a teenager?

Vladimir: We've already established that I don't care about these things when I got puking drunk at my sister's wedding.

Matchmaker: No refunds.

Happy birthday, Plantish! Your birthday gift is knowing your youngest child is outside trying to get it on with a thirty-year-old waitress.

Plantish: Happy birthday to me.

You gonna, like, intervene? Be a parent?

Plantish: Nope, I'm gonna shoot some pool and hope this blows over quickly.

Magnifique.

Well, congrats, Whisper! No one can say you've never accomplished anything now.

Whisper: What? Who says that? Have they seen my hair?

Vladimir: Look, I'm fine with having to date adults. The Overlord hasn't made that many teen townies, I understand that. It's okay. What I'm not fine with is NPCs. There is a line here I don't like to cross.

Matchmaker: Understood. Disregarded.

Why the blistering Chipotle shit do I even have a No Autonomous Napping hack if it's going to randomly stop working after doing its job for years?

Alien Friend: *snore*

Twyla Tark: Oh, hey, I know your sister! Is she around?

Vladimir: No, actually. You're here for me this time.

Twyla: Well... I guess I'm okay with that.

Vladimir: Baby I know.

Twyla: I'm still really into Varney, but you're cute, too.

Vladimir: Well, then do I have some fun news for you: Varney got married.

Twyla: Aww, butterwhistles.

Shh, Finn, not now!

Finn: BOATS

Vladimir: So what's your favorite Pokemon, baby?

Twyla: Oh, man. That's a deep question for a first date. I'm not really prepared for this.

Alien Friend: Finn, are you okay? You're talking to yourself again. Are you lost? Describe your surroundings.

Finn: BOATS

Plantish: Is Finn okay?

Whisper: Ask him if he wants any popcorn.

Varney: CURSE YOU, CUE BALL. BEND TO MY WILL!

Cue ball: No, I must dance!

Meanwhile, in the front yard where literally anyone could see: nice first forehead kiss, Vlad.

Er. Yikes.

THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.

Varney, you're gonna want to change the sheets before you go to bed tonight.

Varney: Eh.

Alien Friend's pregnant. Did I mention that before? I feel like maybe I didn't. Anyway, Alien Friend's pregnant.

Plantish: I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You're the only one of my children to amount to anything.

Varney: Shit yeah I am. Look at that eight ball go.

Twyla: Well, I feel better, Vlad! Thanks. Give me a call when you're all grown up, yeah?

Vladimir: Yeah.

Whisper: 8D

Whisper: I wonder what strange and wondrous things are taking place outside this window.

Varney: Lol let's fuck

Weeks later, a witch servant finally cleans up the ashes from the Fuck-You-I'm-On-Firemas tree.

I think there has been some confusion here.

Super Cat pals, dickin' around on the sidewalk, Super Cat pals, best bros for liiiiife

Winnie: Wanna play red hands?

Whisper: You bet your knuckles I do!

Baby: Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again

Video game wives: *video games*

Alien Friend: *INTENSE VIDEO GAME FACE*

Vladimir: *photobombs*

Varney: Okay but have you considered my nightgown?

Whisper: THE FIRE'S BACK

Winnie: So I was thinking maybe this year we could take our holiday in Gstaad

Whisper: HELP

Whisper: Hey guys, I made chili.

Vladimir: Why do you smell like failure?

Winnie: He always smells like that.

Vladimir: So I am basically a boner factory now.

Whisper: By Glob these are impressive cats

Whisper: Have you considered not playing with Baby because she's already my BFF?

Plantish: No.

Alien Friend: Don't touch the belly, please. I know we've lived in the same house for like six months but I've never even spoken to you before now.

NO FANCY YOU'RE A FIEBELKORN NOW

Alien Friend: OW FUUUCK

Whisper: Hold on, I'll get Mr. Tumnus!

HELLO UNA MY PRECIOUS LITTLE PRINCESS 8DDD

...fuck.

Gashlycrumb: 6.1

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