Gashlycrumb: 5.6

[azaya]

In which Winnie and Whisper grace the banner for the second update running.

Last time, Varney was trying to teach Baby to play dead, to facilitate promotions at her job of employment. It was going about like how you would expect things to go in this dumbshit hive.


Varney: ...and if anyone tries to give you shit, you get up in that motherflanger's face and CHOKE THEM LIKE YOUR NAME'S CORVO ATTANO.


Baby: I see


Baby: What do you think of this for my 'draw me like one of your French girls' pose?

Varney: It's very alluring, but we should really focus on the playing dead thing we were doing.


Baby: You are crushing my dreams.


Varney: Aw, hi there, cute stray kitty who is not rude and unappreciative when I try to teach her things!

Cute stray kitty who is not rude and unappreciative when Varney tries to teach her things: Holla


SHUT UP AND JOIN THIS FAMILY

But Luna wisely turned tail (honhonhon) and fled before I could build her relationship with Varney high enough. Godspeed, little moon cat ;~;






This face is inextricably, eternally, forever and always linked to Almond in my mind.

Theda: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. 8D


Theda: And do this instead.

Varney: MY HAIR




Vladimir: Soon.

Whisper: Zzzz... *snort*... bit of mustard...


Winnie and Plantish Make Out Everywhere: The Amazing True Story 1/2


Winnie and Plantish Make Out Everywhere: The Amazing True Story 2/2


Baby: You have your instructions, agent. Should you need to contact me, I like to take a poop behind the bee hives around six every night.

Vladimir: Affirmative, ma'am.


Winnie: You know who's really hot? That one teenage friend of Varney's with the green and yellow hair... is what I'd say if I lost my mind entirely.

Whisper: Thank Glob it hasn't come to that.


Whisper: Yes, thank Glob everyone in this household is fully and completely in possession of all parts of their minds!


And here's where I discovered my favorite baby princess is apparently a raging hate machine.

Yes good


Whisper: I am gonna can the shit out of these strawberries.


Varney: Gee whiz.


Varney: Good thing I'm about to escape into adulthood, bro I met on the bus!

Bro she met on the bus: Godspeed, little poptart.


Varney: OH FUCK I FORGOT TO COLLEGE


Dead. Dead. I am dead. Dying. Slain. I am SLAIN.


Varney: Such power I wield. I'll try to only use it for good... not.


I'm trying to stop picking out mates ahead of time for my legacy heirs and just let them find ~The One~ themselves, which means I had no one in mind for Varney and we had to call the matchmaker.

Aw, Varney, I see you want to move out. That's adorable.


Matchmaker: I will be over shortly then, to take your money and laugh into the night.

Varney: I wonder if I have time for a poop first. Should I go for it? ...I'm gonna go for it.


Matchmaker: This wad pleases me. I won't purposely bring you the worst person possible!

Varney: Yay!


Potential mate #1! First impressions: ineligible.


Potential mate #2. First impressions: Fancy Boatsink? One of my favorites! I'm down.


The problem here, though, is that Fancy Boatsink is very much a part of the Fiebelkorn Legacy linked above. Because I love Fancy, I let this go on longer than I should have. I am weak.


Varney: So... you're part fish, eh baby? I happen to be a pescatarian.

Fancy Boatsink: Ooh, you charmer~


Fancy Boatsink: *fans self*

Wolf: Mm, smell that fresh sea breeze


Fancy Boatsink: By the way, I love that you don't have a job and live in your parents' house. Love it.

Varney: I do the shit out of that, yeah.


Fancy Boatsink and Varney: *waste the damn date timer gazing, dead-eyed, at each other*

[muffled Matchmaker cackling in the distance]


First kiss happened. I missed capping it, but here's proof.


That escalated quickly


But their date ended right in the middle of their autonomous attempt to fuck in Varney's parents' bed and Fancy was a real snot about it.


And I expected that to be the end of it, but their desire to jump one another's bones apparently transcends mere dates because they instantly hopped on the bed again.


Bon fuckage


Varney: EAT ON IT, MIRAAK

Seriously, how do you not have higher game enthusiasm? Gaming is literally all you do.


Whisper likes to autonomously give hobby tips to the other musicians in the house, but I'm not sure he's qualified.

Whisper: Where are your drumsticks, Tish? How do you expect to play this large drum without drumsticks? Honestly, you silly goose.


Whisper: Look, I'm flying to Skuldafn!


Whisper: LOOK OUT ALDUIN HERE I FUCKING COME

Varney: Could you keep it down? Some of us are actually the Dovahkiin.


Vladimir: Okay, troops, got all of that? I'll have an update tomorrow around sixish, but until then, just do your best.


Baby: What are you still doing here? The Jarl said retrieving the Dragonstone of Bleak Falls Barrow is a priority, remember?

Bro Varney met on the bus: I think there's been a mistake


Winnie paints a rainbow. Whisper Whispers.


Varney: I got L-A-I-D laid.


As much as Varney and I like Fancy Boatsink, it'd be kind of weird to have her as a principle character in two concurrent legacies. Hence, time for Varney to hit up some community lots and look for a lady friend, because the matchmaker is 0 for 2 at the moment.


Ooh. Twyla Tark! Another favored townie! Go introduce yourself, Varney!

Varney: MY NAME'S VARNEY I LIKE PETS


Varney: ALSO, BUSTS

Twyla: Oh man, me too, right?


Alien Friend: Hey guys what's going on in this arcade


Varney: Can I be frank? I'm heir to a rich and powerful family and I'm looking for a mate to continue the genetic line.

Twyla: You had me at 'frank'.


Varney: I won't lie, the rumors are true. There is a cat-faced man living in my house, creeping around and making everything weird. But it's totally acceptable to never speak to him at all.


Varney: Oh Glob, Overlord, you want me to... to FLIRT? Why would you DO THIS TO ME?


Thora from the asylum challenge: Hey friends


Varney: This is going so well! I... I think she could be the one!

Well hey, that's fantastic!


Varney: I mean, look at her! That is one hot woman, I'm telling you.


Varney: Ugh, why do you want me to flirt with this exquisite princess?! I would rather shove my fingers through my eyeballs, and I will.

Sabrina McCrystal: Hey granddaughter


Twyla: Heyyyyy!

Violet: Heyyyyy!


Twyla: Gosh, you are just so hot. I like your everything.


~scenery break~


Flushed with success and heady with exhilaration, Varney flies back to the homestead to never call Twyla again, because she is a dumbass and I am too.


Something like twelve hours later, the dude she brought home on the bus is still here.


Bus dude: Man, that Theda is so mean. Just because I took a nap in her bed without asking doesn't mean she has to yell at me.


Bus dude: Screw you guys, I'm going home.




Theda: My work here is done.


Winnie and Plantish: Ours is just beginning.


Varney: Varrrrrrrrney.


Plantish: I sense that these chess pieces are embroiled in a secret plot involving espionage and betrayal. But whose?


Heiress Varney's new bedroom. I'm pretty fond of it.






Unfortunate skeleton: Oh come ON, I'm like a foot from their fucking bed! This is just mean, it isn't funny!

It's a little funny.


Blamey O'Spectral: Fuck you, Varney.

Vladimir: lol it was me


Plantish: So what're you up to with these chess pieces, kiddo?

Vladimir: If these soldiers do their job right, Parent, I'll someday be able to answer that question.


Varney: Holy shit, a pool cue!


Whisper: So, you're a spectral servant, eh? That must be pretty neat... I can do cool stuff too, look! Look at my hand! Look where it is!

Not Looking O'Spectral: *does not look*


Where you off too, Vladi?

Vladimir: Oh, nowhere. Might go to the pond, feed the ducks. Talk to some other kids in trench coats. See what happens.


Varney: Did we just become best friends?

Theda: Yup.

Varney: Do you wanna keep eating this chicken Parmesan?

Theda: Yup.


Baby: Wait


Varney: Thanks, Nana! I am a badass spellcasting machine.

Theda: I... I don't think I said that?

Varney: I read between the lines.


I went a few days between playing and managed to forget all about Varney's generally positive interaction with Twyla, so I called up the matchmaker for her again.


Matchmaker: Oh... you again. Right, thanks for the cash, let's see what we got here.

Varney: I'M SO EXCITED


Varney: Oh... um... Carmilla? Really? She's more about vampires than witches...

Matchmaker: No refunds.


Carmilla: Look out, this house, I'm inside you now.


Varney: Hi, I'm Varney. I'm on a date right now, but I don't expect it to go well.

Finn Neel: Hi, I'm Finn. I like boats.


Theda: Hi, Baby! How's tricks?

Baby: Not bad. I learned to play dead recently.

Carmilla: Omfg Theda yr not a vampire but I want u to suck my blood anyway~


Varney: If you like Theda you'll love Varney, I can do magic too and I'm like fifty years younger.

Carmilla: You have misjudged my tastes.

Theda: Aw yiss, I still got it


Whisper: Hi, I heard you like boats. Do you also like chess?

Finn: ........................yes.


Varney: Oh, come ON, she turned me down for my grandmother! Are you shitting me with this crap?!

Just do it, whiner. We paid five grand for this bullshawn.

Theda: Ooh, dry cleaning coupons


Varney: I caught both Old Crafty and Old Ironjaw in WoW.

Carmilla: That is incredibly charming.


Carmilla: BUT THEDA *swoon*

Theda: Now that is incredibly charming.


Carmilla: I guess that wasn't the worst date I've ever had. Look me up if you ever become a vampire or whatever.

Varney: Everything turned out better than expected!


Plantish: I CAN DENY OUR LOVE NO LONGER— EMBRACE ME, SUN, MY TRUEST LOVER


Whisper: Homework help, huh? Gosh, it's been awhile since I was in school... well, I guess first you oughta write your name on it, unless they don't require that anymore.


Fancy Boatsink: So did you wanna drop anchor in my bay again or


Varney: Yeah, that's Whisper. He still lives here. We don't know for how long.

Whisper: forever

Alien Friend: *is present*


We wrung one more potential girlfriend out of the matchmaker.

Varney: Ooh, an NPC? Kinky stuff.


Varney: Come on, Varney, think of a nice, safe topic... uh, how do you feel about architecture? Do you have a favorite architect? And you can't say Frank Lloyd Wright.

Alien Friend: You go get the Dragonstone if it's so frigging important, Farengar


THEDA DIED AND I DIDN'T NOTICE, I NEVER NOTICE WHEN THE 'CRUMBS DIE, TAKE ME AWAY I AM NOT WORTHY ;_____;


Whisper: ...and then Vader was literally like 'NOOOOOO' and I swear to God I wept in that theater for the movie that could have been.


Vladimir: Word.