Gashlycrumb: 3.3

[azaya]

So we only just did this, I know, but my poor pooklet is not feeling well so I thought I would try to cheer them up with some wanton silliness.


Xochitl is off to a good start in life, falling asleep just one butt-scoot away from her bed.


And waking up only moments later to grow up into this serious-looking little thing.


Elspeth: HOLD UP THERE, FANCYPANTS. I LIKE THOSE PANTS ON YOU. BUT I'D LIKE THEM BETTER ON MY FLOOR, HUEHUEHUE


Elspeth: Psych. I'm way too pregnant for that right now, nerd.


Mitch Gothier stalks by the house in a cloud of dapper gothosity, trailing bits of goth behind him everywhere he goes


Elspeth: Okay, so, yeah. That is a homework. It's a good idea to put your name on it and also answer all the questions and do all the tasks, because if you don't, you'll flunk out of school and the Overlord will probably make you heir.

Xochitl: A fate worse than death D:


Yusef: Sup.

Xena: Sup.

Yusef: I like your octopus coat.

Xena: I wish you'd put some pants on.


Yusef: Whoa. What? Who the hell are you? Where did you come from? Did you just fall out of your mom's vagina and she kept walking or something? Damn.


That is exactly what happened, and also, everyone meet Xavier, whose name I had to look up in SimPe because I played this part so long ago.


Xerxes: What the fuck! I have to share my birthday with yet another useless little sibling? Why the heck do they keep popping out babies anyway?! OBVIOUSLY I am going to be heir!


I guess you've got a decent shot at it. Your arrogance amuses me, and you're not a total toadstool in the looks department!

Xerxes: Aw yeah. I have got it made in the shade.


I added an upstairs to Gashlycrumb Manor, in an attempt to make it more of a manor and less of a sad, misbegotten mess of a ranch house.


Xerxes: Come on, Xerxes old sock, you can do it... steady now... win this game and Overlord will have to name you heir.

Who said that? I didn't say that. Maybe I said that.


Xochitl: THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!


Elspeth: ...so by the time Xavier was ready to come out, there was just no traction at all anymore. I didn't even have to sit down. I mean, the floor's carpeted, what more does he want?

Xerxes: Uh, wow. I'll come back later.


Yusef: HAH! You were right, baby! We CAN still gross out our kids!

Elspeth: The best part is, I wasn't even trying!


Xena: How many soccer balls do you think I could fit in my mouth? Like, four, right?

Xochitl: Puff your cheeks out some more. ...Yeah, maybe four.


Yusef's taken to sleeping all day, every day. I can't fault him, it's art imitating life.


Xena: Hey, jackass, you missed my birthday!

Sorry! If it helps, you're super pretty?


Xerxes: YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE... WILLING TO SACRIFICE...

Elspeth: Actually, it is a little cold in here.


Yusef: Hi baby, I heard you say you were cold, so I came to offer to drape myself on you until you're warmer.

Elspeth: Aw, you sweetie!

Xerxes: YOU WANT PARADISE... BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE...






Xochitl: Whoa. There's a baby in the house? Has he been here long? Because I literally had no idea until now.


As nice as it is to have competent sim parents, I kinda wish Yusef and Elspeth were less on top of things with the kids. Happy childhoods and decent childrearing do not a hilarious legacy make.


If Elspeth and Yusef sucked a little more, Xena would have the freedom to actually talk about rockets, rather than being under pressure to make a dick joke to keep things moving!

Xena: Yeah, and I got nothing. Uh... crap... I can feel the pressure mounting... uh... ERECTION!

Xerxes: Are you ill?


Xerxes: SHE'S JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL, LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD


Oh, good. I'm glad you enjoyed your bowl of toxic puke.

Xena: Yes. I feel much enthusiasm for it.


Xavier: The great tragedy of my life: stairs ;~;




Xochitl: I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED IN ON MOM AND DAD DOING A NAKED THING AND I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER RECOVER, SO I'M GONNA RUN AWAY TO JUPITER OR SOMETHING AND JUST LIVE THERE FOREVER. WILL YOU DRIVE ME? YOU SEEM FAMILIAR WITH ROCKETS

Xena: How sweet of you to notice!


But space voyages were put on hold temporarily, because Alien Friend came by!

Xena: Hey there, hot stuff. How'd you like to learn a little about rockets?


Xena: We can go to my room and look at some diagrams, if you know what I mean.

Xena, nobody knows what you mean.

Elspeth: i am outside


Alien Friend: You know what, I think I'll pass.


Xena: That could've gone better. Maybe I should call her.


Elspeth: What, you're too good for my chili con carne, bitch?


Xochitl: Peekaboo, Xavier! Peekaboo!

Xavier: Peekaboo, indeed!


Xerxes: Whoa. Where the fuck are we?

The Coffin Bean. Because it's never too early to scout for potential mates!

Xena: Okay, I guess. As long as we can leave if Almond Fritter shows up.

Oh Christ, of course you can. I'm not a sadist D:


Xena: This coffee is exceptional. I bet it's made with real coffins.

Xerxes: Undoubtedly.


Xerxes: Hey.

Mini cow plant: Holla.


Xena: I'M AT THE PIZZA HUT. I'M AT THE TACO BELL. I'M AT THE COMBINATION PIZZA HUT AND TACO BELL.


Xerxes: I THINK YOU ARE CUTE. *headlock*

Cute Blonde: JKDFHjkdhjkdhjkdssedsswecfedsw


Cute Blonde: Luckily for you, I find blithering idiocy endearing. Bring those loose lips over here, big boy.


Back home, bathtub piracy lives on for another generation!


Xena has a date with danger!


Yusef: What a glorious cheese puff is here between my fingers. What a glorious cheese puff I shall momentarily masticate.


Xerxes: Aw, yeah, that's the good shit. Next time I see cute blonde, she's getting two tickets to the gun show.


And the fancy fairy prince show too, looks like.

Xerxes: You bet your ass.


Yusef: You know how you said you liked my pants better on the floor? I prefer that orientation for your dress, also.

Elspeth: Aw, you romantic fool.


Oh, hey there, Xavier. I was wondering when you'd crawl in here like your siblings before you.


For love of cheese, you guys. You have four kids in the house. Can't you keep it in your bedroom?

They: *cannot*


Xavier: It's ok. I'll have my birthday out here in the hall, with only the ballet barre for company. It's fine.


You're a little cutie, but you'd better be the last one, is all I'm sayin'.


Simply because we're basically out of freaking space. There's four beds crammed into this little room. Four!


Xavier: Omigod! If Xena sees my private thoughts and dreams, my most personal hopes and aspirations, I'll just die of embarrassment.

Xena: Who're you, again?


This bathroom continues to wreak havoc on the Gashlycrumb bladders.

Yusef: Hey, I have a brilliant idea! Let's all go outside and beat each other with pillows until the urge to urinate passes!


Well? Is it working?

Xerxes: Kind of. I think I wet my pants.


Meanwhile, Xavier works on his princess wave.


The bus: *is coming*

The silence: *is deafening*


Xena: I hope they don't leave that cake sitting out.

Xerxes: Right? That's how you get ants.


Xavier: WHOO


Xavier: BOOGIE DOWN


Xerxes: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!

Xena: Beats me dude. All I know is the yard's full of ash.

Xerxes: THIS IS HOW YOU GET ANTS


Xena: I just came out here and the yard was on fire. I'm not a model.


I honestly have no fucking idea what happened here. I was watching Elspeth and Yusef do nothing inside the house, and when I scrolled over here, the entire front yard was ashes.


We need to get this shit cleaned up, though, so let's invite our friendly neighborhood magical maid dispenser over to visit.

Almond: Yo.


Uh, where you going, Almond?

Almond: Don't worry about it. It's good.


Almond: Hey there, buttercup butt. Wanna point that rocket at my outer space galaxy?

Yusef: What?


Yusef: Maybe if I close my eyes, she'll go away...

Almond: *does not do that, no.*


Xena: Man, I am fine. Fine like fine china. Fine like fine wine!

Xerxes: Fine like a library fine, maybe.


Xochitl: Magical girl powers, activate!


Xochitl: I used my birthday ability.


Xerxes: I could do that, but I don't wanna.


Xerxes: Aw, pig knuckles. You're really fucking pretty.

Xochitl: You bet your second-rate ass I am.


Xerxes: Have you SEEN Xochitl? We're fucked, man.

Xena: Maybe you are. In case you haven't noticed, I'm the favorite.


Xerxes: Maybe I just need to buff up a little more. What do you think, Xena? Is my gun show impressive enough to win me the heir spot?

Xena: If you're gonna stay, hand me the loofah.


Xerxes: I'm feeling pretty good about my chances right now.

Xena: I see nothing.


Xerxes: No? Have a look now. HA-CHAH.

Xena: Wow! You are quite muscled.

I guess I've just gotten used to this creepy shit with the last couple generations of the Fritters, cuz I'm not really surprised by any of this.








Xavier: Hey guys, what's going on in this hallway




Yusef: NEXT TIME YOU WAIT UNTIL YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE FINISHED DANCING, DO YOU HEAR ME


Yusef: JUST KIDDING, WE'VE ALWAYS GOT TIME FOR YOU, SON


I don't know what you expected, Yusef. You can't fling your children around in the middle of the desert in summer in a black sweater and jeans and not suffer the consequences!


Xerxes: It's cool, I got this.


Xochitl: I got this. And by this, of course, I mean heir.

We'll have to see! For now, that's it. Except for the bat .gif, of course: